Air Jordans are some really nice sneakers. However, there are many threats to your shiny new shoes, including an assault from a Main Battle Tank. Here’s how to prevent that from happening.

First, let’s compare the two objects. The average Air Jordan 4, for example, weighs about 1.05 pounds and is made out of leather, while the average tank, in this case an M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank, weighs about 55 tons. It is made out of steel with heavy space ceramic tile armoring. Clearly, the two are in a different weight class, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t defend your shoes.

There are many different ways to protect your Air Jordans from an assault by an M1 Abrams Main Battle Tank, so here’s a few of the most obvious methods.

1. This option is to purchase an underground sneaker bunker. Rising S is a company on the internet that makes bunkers. Totally sounds legitimate. An 8X12 foot bunker is $45,500, which isn’t that much, for the sake of your shoes.
2. This method is to obtain an ATGW Anti-Tank missile system, and attach it to the shoebox. This is a good option, as it will allow your shoes to retaliate against the tank. 
3. Another option is to construct a space station to hold your Air Jordans, or a sneaker-station, if you will. A SpaceX rocket launch to low earth orbit at full capacity is priced at $97,000,000. This should allow a safe storage space for your sneakers, in a place where no tank can reach.
4. The final option is to purchase a Lamborghini. Stay with me here. Travel to South Korea, and build a ramp near the North Korean Border. Then, load your shoes into the car, and put a rock on the gas pedal. The car will fly over the demilitarized zone, and land in North Korea, where it will be captured, kept in storage, and guarded for free!

Now, if none of those options are feasible for you, then I’ve come up with a foolproof plan, which is to ask other people what they would do because I am out of ideas. “I will bombard the tank with my rendition of ‘All Too Well (Ten Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version)’ until the tank spontaneously combusts,” says local sophomore Daphne Linn. The other person I asked, sophomore Dylan Kreiss, said “I would most likely put them on and run away,”, which is honestly a brilliant plan that I did not think of. Well, there you have it, your sneakers are safe from an assault by a main battle tank! Now you just have to protect them from dirt and creasing, which I don’t really have any solutions for.